Apathy

"Every little thing, is gonna be alright..." Thank you Bob Marley for your words of wisdom.

Lately, I've needed to remind myself that it's all going to be okay. I don't need to worry about the future, because even though things are hard I do know that they will be okay. When I find myself thinking this, Bob Marley tends to pop into my head. I'll be honest though, I don't really like that song. Something about it rubs me the wrong way. Today, I figured out why.
To me, the song carries with it a sense of apathy--that everything is going to be alright but that is because he isn't worried about life. It doesn't matter because what happens doesn't really matter. Not that I would include him in the Dada movement or anything but it seems very apathetic. "it doesn't matter because I don't really care what happens." Well, big surprise, I DO care what happens. I'm very concerned about what happens and maybe that is why the song gets me. Here is the difference. I know that everything really will be alright because I trust my Savior and even though things don't always seem to be going my way he will turn the tables to that "Everything will be for [my] good." Cool, huh?

For me, that is part of the beauty of the Atonement. Life is still going to happen, we are still going to have hard times, we are going to have times where things seem like they are not going our way. But the Lord, in his mercy, has accommodated for that. The "Master of ceremonies" as C.S Lewis referred to him as is at work and nothing in our lives goes unnoticed. Also, because he loves us, he is striving to have our lives be as full and happy as is possible while we are here in this mortal existence.

Everything is going to be just fine:)

Living, Learning and Loving,
Selina

Things I have Learned Lately....

1. I need more pictures on my blog.
2. Use the study guide..... Even if you think the floral design test will be a cakewalk, you should still use the study guide. They tend to help.
3. Smiling = making friends
4. Don't over think it, generally your instincts will guide you correctly.
5. Be honest with yourself and others at all times. EVEN if that means you have to stop and really listen to what is going on inside yourself.
6. Sometimes the best option is to NOT do your homework- as long as you can understand it sill stink later.
7. Take time for family, they come first no matter what.
8. I LOVE my dance 180 class. I will be so sad when Cha Cha is over...
9. There is a random boy who lives in Provo, an econ major who drives a big truck with a chain in the back just in case someone needs a tow. He is a lifesaver. (Aaron you owe him)
10. I CAN handle big life changes.

I'll see you soon

On a bookmark that I got from my Mom's room it reads: 


What Cancer Cannot Take from You

It cannot take away your 

Faith,

shatter your 

Hope

or lessen your 

Love.

It cannot destroy true

Friendship,

invade the

Soul

or take away

Eternal Life.

It cannot

conquer your

Spirit.

On December 19th, after fighting cancer for 5 years, my wonderful Mom passed away. My last day or so in Russia was very hectic as I received the news that she was passing quickly. I'm sure that I don't have the words to describe the feelings as my dad and mom asked me for permission for her to go "home", even if it was before I could make it. I was blessed enough to be able to see her and talk to her on her last night with us. I told her about Russia and all the things that I knew she would want to hear about- the pressed flowers and the jewelry eggs and I bore my testimony. I was the last of the kids to arrive, so we all got to be with her.  We sang some her favorite hymns and though she could not respond, I know she was listening, just as she always had. 

It's been just over a month since that day and I miss her now more than before. Those that know me, know that I was exceptionally close to my mom. It's strange now walking between classes or getting out of a test and not being able to call her to tell her about it. Sometimes it feels as if someone put a clamp on my heart and it stings because I miss her so much. I thought that as I went back to school and got involved in life here in Provo I would be busy enough to dull the ache but it's worse than it was at home. Regardless of all this, all the strange, lonely moments, I have found a deep and abiding peace. The Lord never leaves His children to suffer on their own. Yes, I am only 21 and I have lost my mother. I know that I am young and I still have a lot of achieve in my life that I won't get to tell her about till much much later. But that is just it. I get to see her again. I know that I will get to see her again and that this time I'll be able to give her a GIANT hug because her mortal frame will no longer be frail from it's battle for life. There will be no more chemo, no more dark days, and no more wheelchairs. 

My mom is an incredible woman and I have said for years that if I could be just like her when I grow up then I will be a success. I still stand by that assertion. The deep wells of her spirituality were enough for all of her children, no matter how much we demanded. But she remembered to teach us how to dig our own wells. It was through her and my father's example that I learned to rely on the Lord.  One time in high school I was having a hard time with some friendships and I went to my mom. I specifically remember her telling me that whenever she had times like that, she prayed and took it to the Lord because "Jesus Christ is my best friend,  no one else understands me fully, but he does. I can always go to him and he will always understand me." Thank you Mom, your profound words have saved me on more than one occasion. 

While us kids were sitting around telling memories of Mom over the break one particular one that we all seemed to have in common has stuck out to me. I remember looking for Mom because I needed something or couldn't find my shoe or something else of high importance. After walking around the house yelling, "MOM!!!" at the top of my lungs I would eventually find her in her room. I can see her now, kneeling by her bed in earnest prayer. I remember thinking.... this wont take very long, she has been praying for a while. After a while I learned to just go find something else to do because she wasn't almost done. 

I remember her excitement over trying a new piece of candy, or getting books at the library. I remember all the times she let me rest my head her lap, or rubbing lotion into my feet when I was in my cast. 

Mom- I'm glad that you aren't in pain anymore, even if that means I don't get to see you. Thank you for sticking it out longer than was necessary and suffering for our sake- so we could have you for longer. Thank you for loving all of us kids more than I'm sure I can understand right now. Thank you for teaching me to turn to the Lord, I wouldn't be able to make it through this if you hadn't. Thank you for marrying Dad, you got a winner:). Thank you for teaching me to love the world around me, but more importantly the people in it.

The friendship that we shared is more than most people experience in a full lifetime.

Cancer has strengthened my faith,

 fortified my hope

 and increased my love.

 It has revealed true friendships, 

and reminded me of the promise of eternal life.

I love her dearly and because my parents were married in the temple and have kept those covenants I will see her again and be able to spend time with her again. I know that Christ lived, died and rose again for us. Not only did he pay for all of our sins so that we can be forgiven but he died so that we will live again. My faith is unshaken and my determination to live more righteously only strengthen. Mom, thank you for being my best friend and more importantly my mother. I'll see you soon. <3

First Real Snowfall, Lenin, and Russian Follk Dance

When we returned from vacation there was a little bit of snow on the ground but it had started to melt. Last Friday night coming back from dinner though we found that it had started snowing a bunch and we had a good 3 inches on the ground! I love that feeling of the first snow when the cold doesn't matter and you can't help but laugh at everything. I jumped on the crunchy snow and then we had competitions to see who could slide the farthest on the sidewalk. When we got back to the school we met up with the other girls and we were climbing up hills and making snowmen. Pretty soon our friends the guards were outside and a HUGE snowball fight broke out! It was the Russians v. the Americans 2 to 5. Because the snow was perfect the game lasted a long time (Though I'm not sure how long because I took off my watch). We were all pretty wet by the end of it, but it didn't matter because it was so much fun we kept talking about it all that night. Honestly, that's the best snow that I've experienced for packing quick little snowballs.

The next day Chelsea and I went into Red Square and waited in line to see Lenin's Body (A MUST in Moscow). It was a good day to go; we only waited in line for about 10-15 min because of the cold. To get in we had to go through the only metal detector we have found in Russia that actually means anything. Usually even if they go off the guards don't do anything but here we had to empty our pockets and people that made the alarm go off got the wand. They take Lenin very seriously. My honest opinion, he looked like a wax figure. I was VERY impressed by it all though. I'm so glad I got to see him.

After that we went to the Cathedral of Christ- one of my favorites so far-- and then met up with the rest of our group at the Russian Folk Dance show. Those dancers made my jaw drop at the first number and I was impressed all the way through. They all are so talented and the music was so upbeat and entertaining. There was a little boy and little girl sitting near us and they kept getting up and jumping around and dancing along. They were adorable.

My life is awesome. That's all.

Hostel, not Hostile.

Yes, I am still writing about our vacation experience. For some reason it's just difficult for me to update my blog and keep it updated.

After our Baltic Cruise, Chelsea, Nusly, Hailey and I all stayed in St. Petersburg to finish up our vacation. Since this was our 3rd time in St. Pete we decided to take it easier and just hit all the spots we didn't have time for the first or second time. We stayed in a hostel for two nights, my first hostel experience ever, and it was so much fun! We almost didn't find them because it's on the 4th or 5th floor of a building that looked like all the others. We counted the steps one day and there were 120 steps. It was a long upward walk. The place was in the middle of all the tourist attractions, had free wi-fi, clean sheets, 3 real bathrooms and FREE breakfast! What else do you need?!

 Aside from the rockin' set up we met tons of great people. They were possibly my favorite part of our time in St. Petersburg. The first night we played cards with a Canadian who was doing a few days in St. Pete before going onto Moscow and then taking the Transiberian across Russia. Later we met an Englishman who teaches at an English school in Dubai. We also met a cute German couple who were traveling in Russia. The next day we played cards with Jeff, fondly referred to as Jeff-O, who is from Australia. He taught us all sorts of fun Australian slang and also that Shuffling was cool in the 90's. Best letdown of my life. I loved hearing all the accents and about all the places that these people have travelled to. Don't worry, when they invited us to go out to the bars or to a casino with them we told them to not go drink and stay and play cards with us. It didn't work but it was worth a shot. We also taught an Iranian man who was there with some busniess associates how to play Scum. He returned the favor by giving us Iranian Candy! It was this marshmellowy textured thing with pistacios in it. I don't like pistacios so I thought it was kind of gross but I'm really glad I got to try it!

The first day we were there we went back to the Hermitage (because it's free for students) and got to see some things that we missed. Like Monet and VanGogh. I loved it! We also got to see the Japanese art which was a nice break from European. Afterwards Hailey and I went to St. Issac's Cathedral and went up to the very top! You can see all of St. Petersburg from the top! Despite the cold we hung out up there for probably an hour or so. It was incredible.

The next day we travelled out to Catherine's Palace. First of all, the gardens there were some of the prettiest that I've seen since coming to Russia- even in the Winter. Inside the Palace was ornate and incredible. The Amber room was so intricate that it is hard to imagine people actually making it. We also saw the photos of the destruction is suffered during World War 2. It's crazy and eye-opening to be in a country that has lost so much history because of wars. So many historical buildings were near destroyed in the bombings and such. Learning about all of it has been very sobering.

We heading back to the hostel to pick our bags and play one last round of five crowns with Jeff-O before taking the night train home. It was a rough night with very little sleep- thank goodness we had a few days to recover before teaching. 

Baltic Cruise: Estonia

The last day of the cruise we went to Tallinn, Estonia. It is really well known for the well preserved "Old Town" where medieval towers and walls still stand. It was incredible to see the history. The whole town was pretty picturesque and it was wonderful just to walk around. The streets were all cobblestone and the old houses and shops were so quaint. We saw and got to go inside St. Olaf's Church. It has a really tall steeple that has been hit by lightening  a ton but they keep rebuilding it anyways. It now serves as a Baptist church and we got to go in for part of their service. It was really sweet.

We got to walk around and on Medieval ground. It was incredible to think that it has all been preserved for so long. On street that we walked us was cobblestone and the walls were stone on one side and back walls to houses on the other. Artists put up their pictures and displayed them to sell on the side with the bricks. I loved the feeling of that street even though it was all uphill. It was a really cold day and the food in the touristy places was all really expensive so we kept going till we found a local place that served awesome roasted cheese soup and pasta! Just so you know... the bread they give you in Estonia before you get your food is not free, they charge for that.

We went to the old town well because apparently they used to think that an evil spirit lived there so they would sacrifice cats to the spirit in the well to pacify it. They had a small ladder going down the well- so what did we do? Climb down for pictures of course!!! It was a ton of fun!

Baltic Cruise: Sweden

Stockholm, Sweden. Thankfully, Hailey got to come with us this time. I had used Google Maps to figure out how to get to the Stockholm, Sweden Temple. It's about a 30-40 min train ride out from Central Station. Not everyone wanted to make the trip (total travel costs ended up being about $15 or so) so it ended up with Hailey, Chelsea, Laura and I. Everything went unbelievably smooth getting out there. It really helps that Swedes speak English. We made friends with our train ticket salesman. His name was Kim and he was some kind of Asian. We found out that while Sweden has the most expensive public transport in the world, it is also really nice (especially compared to Russian trains). We had a nice chat with some university students on the train- all of them were from different countries and they are spoke great english. 

As the train was approaching our stop we looked out the window and saw the temple right as we passed it! We hopped off the train and knew exactly which direction to walk. Temple grounds have the same feeling whether we are in the states or in a foreign country. It was so incredible to just sit and enjoy temple grounds. While we were there we talked to a native Swede and he explained that all Swedes can speak English as a matter of survival in the international community. He also told us how to say hello and goodbye in Swedish. It was awesome. 

After we were done at the temple we hit up a small grocery store and grabbed some food. Don't worry, there was a woman there giving out samples of Swedish chocolate. We all ended up buying some. It really is so wonderful! YUM!

We went back to Stockholm and spent the rest of the seeing different sights such as the palace and some other places. At one point we decided to grab dinner. We tried to find a place that was less touristy and would have more authentic food. We slipped into this little shop that offered some different plates and then pizza as well. Hailey and I asked a man in the shop which dish would be the most Swedish, his response- NONE of them. We were tired and didn't want to look anymore so we ordered pizza. It was definitely not american pizza though they gave all their styles american names. Good Job Sweden:) The sun was down by 4pm and I felt so off.

Overall, I loved Sweden too. It was also the beginning of taking what I referred to as "Artsy" Pictures. Don't worry there will be an album later. :)