Metamorphosis

So there I was lying on my back in Russia making plans to change my life. My "well-made" bed with its non-fitted sheets and impossibly silky blanket served as a platform as I thought about my life. Thoughts about who I was filled my mind, but much more pressing were the thoughts regarding who I wanted to become. A few days prior my computer dove off the bed and the charger broke beyond repair. I decided that even was a blessing; it would give me the chance to improve myself and not detract from my time in Russia. I have since found myself spending a lot of time reading, studying my scriptures and searching my life.

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I remember as a preteen hearing one of my older cousins being referred to as a "social butterfly". In my young imagination I saw that as the ideal life. A social butterfly would be well liked, her schedule filled because she always has an invitation to go out. She would spend her time flitting around between various parties, never at a loss for dates and generally living "the life". I recall making a defined decision to be a social butterfly, I would go out every weekend or at least have plans. When it became more appropriate I would date and date a lot. The decision itself nearly forgotten- it formed a large part of my life. Since then I have found that there is a significant amount of power behind decisions supported by visions.

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Laying there in Russia, staring at the ceiling I realized that past decision had run its course in my life. It was time for a new vision. This was the moment I needed, even craved, for so long and it came to fruition in the strangest of places in an unexpected moment. I wasn't planning on changing and long held views when I lay down. I believe my initial though more closely resembled, "I'm not sure what to do with myself... I'll lay down for a minute, plug in my iPod and just relax." After about ten minutes of thinking about the ceiling my mind began to focus on deeper issues.  What did I want out of my life? That was an easy question to answer: I want to be really and truly happy. I want to live close to the Lord, to be happily married and have my own family. Other questions presented themselves, pleading for long overdo attention...who are you now? Are you who you want to be? How will you change? What will you do differently to make it happen? How will your life in Provo look? What will prevent you from slipping back? And that's when it started to happen. I finally began to find concrete answers to all of these questions. I lay there with music pulsing though my body as I envisioned this "new" Selina... 

She glows with happiness as she is now living a balanced, Christ-centered life. While her schedule is busy she is sure to put the Lord first by studying her scriptures every day, praying with her whole heart and attending the temple weekly. She is actively working on improving herself and takes all her troubles to the Lord. After a few years on the dating scene she is still open and friendly but careful about wearing her heart on her sleeve and even more cautious about giving her heart away. She understands now that successful dating is determined by quality, not quantity. She will not drop everything to "go out" and prove that she is social. She is honest about her feelings with herself and others. During a first date she will not be pressured into agreeing to a second but reserve judgment. Her priorities guide her actions and because of this she remembers how to keep her head on straight. This is a girl who makes sacrifices for better things because her perspective allows her to do so. 

I sat up and grabbed my journal and the closest pen, all the while knowing that this was a pivotal moment. After recording those impressions, I gushed at Hailey about the experience and then continued to make goal in my journal both for the present and for my return to school. My life may seem random but I know that everything happens for a reason, even if I don't know what the reason is. 

"Without change, there would be no butterflies." -Anonymous